The complexity of this thing we call life

I'm feeling really rather perplexed.
I wonder if I am really advancing in this Game of Life.

Have I grown stupider as I've grown older? Are my neurons really firing in the way that they used to, or are they limp and soggy from excess of consumption and severe under-use? Is that grey matter in my head (and also the other squishy stuff) going to waste? Could I have been much more clever and sharp than I am? Was I ever intelligent or just good at jumping through (metaphorical) hoops?

Will I ever progress to have the career I talk about, or am I just always having an over-complicated ideal of what I'd like to do, without ever having really any idea what I am, who I am, where I want to be and what I want to do? Have I done anything in my vocational life of any worth to myself or others? Consequently, will I ever do anything in my vocational life that is of worth to myself or others? More importantly, will I ever have a truly inspirational idea?

And, will I ever learn to be less critical and believe enough in myself, my qualities and what I've achieved? Will I ever be proud enough to say all this to others without feeling small, meek, mild and unimportant?

Finally, will I ever learn how to balance everything, or will I always have this feeling that my lunchbox is falling off my knees?


I am however, happy, that GNER has sent a cheque for 12 pounds reimbursement and that my socks are dry. I've also made a nice list and crossed off things that I've done, which leaves a slight feeling of empowerment.